Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddently it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild
You Need A New Lawyer When...
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED.
Really means: We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM.
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION.
We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH.
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED.
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE.
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING.
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED.
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS.
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT.
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL.
Let's spread responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING.
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't
interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION.
We can't wait to hear this BS!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS.
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW.
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED.
Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT.
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT.
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING.
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE.
Impossible to fix if broken.
ONLY in America...........
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Here Kitty, Kitty...
1. Cats do what they want, when they want
2. They rarely listen to you
3. They're totally unpredictable
4. They whine when they are not happy
5. When you want to play they want to be alone
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim
8. They're moody
9. They leave hair everywhere
10. They drive you nuts
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective who the friends are.
Linux is like wigwam - no windows, no gates, apache inside.
THINGS KIDS HAVE LEARNED
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
3. Stay away from prunes.
4. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
7. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
17. Never try to baptize a cat.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking so good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the sky and stars and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier.
14. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
15. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
16. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer
12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
9) "Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."
7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3) "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
1) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
The UNIX Guru's View of Sex:
# unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group
An unprecedented opening has occurred in the Dark Side Consulting Group
for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position
would like galactic travel, and possess a complete understanding of and
competence with the force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.
Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on
intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives,
ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of
laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some
slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, though may be
performed using the force, or hand weapons.
Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills
(especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be
action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of
the force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be
acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant coursework in
Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant. Applicants should also be
familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic
pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness
to give in to their hate.
A proven track record of using fear and/or jedi mind tricks to control
others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic
languages.
Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children, or
other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the force. (A new
hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)
Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is
extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous
severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing
allowance.
The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith
Master,and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital
to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly
valued,as is the ability to see the future before it happens.
Applications will be accepted until the end of June. Transmit them
holographically to: jobs@darkside.com
************************************************************************
Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a
long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of
harnessing hate for institutional power, and the long-term desirability
of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner
organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our
rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations
include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine,
and many large software companies.
